A divorce or separation does not mean the end of co-parenting. While you were together, maybe your version of co-parenting was you doing most of the caretaking and the other parent going out for pizza, so you could catch a nap or do the laundry.
Obviously, it won’t be the same after a separation, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be better. Research shows that children benefit from having a healthy relationship with each parent and that they easily adapt to changes when their parents are on the same page.
BE YOUR CHILD’S SECURITY BLANKET
Your child needs to know that it is not their fault that you’re no longer together. When there are changes in a relationship, the children are the first to know. You don’t need to give them all of the details, but it is important that you speak to them about the changes in their schedule. It is ideal to have the conversation with both parents present, but make sure that you tell the child you love them, that it is not their fault, and that they can talk to you any time about their feelings.
GIVE THEM THE TOOLS TO SOLVE PROBLEMS
As you navigate through the world of co-parenting, you will be negotiating and compromising with the other parent. As the child grows older, they will notice how their parents solve problems together. Every child is different and every need they have will be different. Finding creative solutions to solve the challenges that come up will show your child that even when people don’t agree on certain things, they can always find a common ground.
BE THE EXAMPLE
It won’t be easy, but sometime you will have to swallow your pride and be the example. It doesn’t mean you give in. It means that do not make nasty comments about the other parent in front of the child. The other parent may be unreasonable, but that only means that you need to consider your legal options to make changes in the expectations or enforce the terms of your agreement.
PRESENCE OVER PRESENTS
Whether you have an equal timesharing schedule or are alternating, it is extremely important to be consistent. During a separation, parents may often try to overcompensate by spending money on expensive outings, but what will help your child the most is spending time with them and making yourself available to hear them. This may mean that you stay off your phone during dinner or on the car ride home from school. Some kids may not express their emotions, but they are likely to share details about their day when they see they have your undivided attention.
Overall, regardless of the timesharing schedule, be consistent in the pick-ups, be consistent in your presence at events, and be consistent with your word. Don’t make promises to your child that are dependent on circumstances that are out of your control. If things can change, it’s best to surprise them rather than promise and not delivery.
If you don’t have a written parenting plan in place, we can help you create one that is unique to your child, your family, and your situation.
